


What Was Never Said

by BlackSoulStar



Series: State of Mind or State of Being? [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Near Death Experience, Suicide, bipolar, bipolar!bokuto, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 18:13:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10769676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackSoulStar/pseuds/BlackSoulStar
Summary: Bokuto was depressed. He was numb - he was on auto-pilot. Akaashi realised that his boyfriend was feeling such emotions and wants to make him feel better but instead finds his boyfriend lying in a bathtub, filled with his own blood, unconscious.





	What Was Never Said

**Author's Note:**

> The first seen is a little graphic. You have been warned.

When he looked at the world, he was surrounded by darkness. He felt ostracized, even when he was held close and was told he was loved. When he sat with his friends, he felt out of the group. He was alone. The darkness had crept up slowly fading in before he realised he was surrounded in it, choking on it.

 

He moved slowly. His body on autopilot. He was going for a bath He felt dirty and needed a clean. He stripped his clothes off and sat in the dry porcelain tub. He picked up his razor and pulled out one of the small blades, cutting his hand as he did so. He stared numbly at the cut as blood slowly oozed out of the wound.

 

He looked at the blade, sharp, undefined. An idea came to him, maybe the idea was always with him. He put the blade against his skin and dragged it across, his skin opening up in a way that intrigued him and satisfied the darkness around him. Slowly his words became lighter before it faded into the darkness.

…

Akaashi knew Bokuto was having a bad day. He knew he was struggling internally. He didn’t want to ask him, he wanted him to come to him, to let him know he was struggling. But it had been a few weeks since and Bokuto was quiet more than ever. The team was being affected by his lack of enthusiasm and his sour mood.

 

Deciding to change such matters, he entered Bokuto’s home. He lived alone and so he walked into the house. He had a box of chocolates with him and embarrassingly in his pocket, a few condoms. If that opened him up and made him feel better he would allow it. 

 

His house was simple, he had a main room, that had a living room area and then a kitchen area. There were two rooms that led away from here, a bathroom and his bedroom.The house was eerily silent though. He knew Bokuto was in, his shoes had been at the front door. He looked around for him. He wasn’t in the kitchen area or living room. He wasn’t in his room. He looked towards the bathroom. He thought he would just check. Maybe he fell asleep in the bath. 

 

He knocked on the door, there was no answer. He peeked in and could see Bokuto asleep in the bath. When he looked further, he was in a bathtub of blood. His own blood, he grabbed his phone running over to the tub and trying to wake him.

 

He called for an ambulance. He put his hand on his wrist, it was slashed open multiple times, he put his hand on the wound anyway. He was trying to find his heartbeat. There was so much blood in the bath. His heart was beating erratically, hiding the small faint beat that Bokuto still had.

 

When Akaashi heard the click of the phone he spoke not waiting for the operator, “My boyfriend is in the bathtub, he’s self-harmed. He’s unconscious,” he gasped out, the words hurting as he spoke.

 

_ “Where does he live?” _ he answered the question. The woman continued to speak to him calmly but he didn’t care, he was terrified and shaking. He lifted his arm up, to stop the blood flow from seeping from the wound, and held the wound tight. He inspected his other arm, there were cuts there too. He grabbed it and lifted it up. He used one hand to keep both arms up and then with the other checked for his breathing. It was shallow but it was there, he titled his head back, so he could have clear access to breathing. He hadn’t a clue to what to do and was only guessing.

 

Akaashi sat like this for what looked like eternity. He kept checking his breathing, kept ensuring that he wouldn’t die. His heart crumbled in his chest. That was what he wanted though. He wanted death. He wanted to escape. A cry broke the silent house, he had his head resting against his chest, crying into his body. His face bleeding as the tub filled with blood. It wouldn’t stop, his blood kept oozing out of him.

 

He heard people enter the house and yelled for them. They ran into the bathroom and saw the horrific sight before them. They pushed Akaashi out the road and lifted the unconscious male out of the tub. They put bandages on his arm to prevent more bleeding. They were soaked quickly.

 

A woman put a blanket over Bokuto, to keep him modest then turned her attention to Akaashi. She walked over to him as her other colleagues wheeled him down the stairs. “Want to come with us?” he nodded glumly and followed the woman out the room. She looked him over for signs of shock. He was terrified but he could speak. He was crying, his face covered in blood.

* * *

Lying in bed bored, homework was done, Kenma busy, Kuroo was scrolling through his phone mindlessly. He had very little motivation to move. He stretched, a hand combing through his messy black hair. He let a loud yawn escape.

 

Practice had been long and draining, having to ensure that the team worked together smoothly. Lev was the only member really that caused him much grief. He wasn’t as skilled as the rest of the team but would have a good talent if they could help him.

 

Kuroo was currently reading an article about some child who was an inspiration to others when his music stopped playing in his ears - a sign he was going to get a phone call. He watched as Akaashi’s face came onto his screen. It was rare for him to phone. He only phoned if Bokuto didn’t have any charge on his phone.

 

He put the phone to his ear, “Hello?”

 

“Kuroo,” It was Akaashi. He sounded desperate, “Come to the western general. Room 8.09,”

 

“That's the critical ward,” Kuroo spoke casting his memory back to when his uncle had been knocked over by a drunk driver. He felt the blood rush from his face, his heart beating quicker in his chest. This was not good.

 

“It’s Bokuto,” Kuroo really didn’t want to hear that name. He hung up and jumped to his feet and made a desperate attempt to get ready. He was in a comfy pair of cotton joggers that no one got to see. He didn’t care as he grabbed the first jumper and shoes and made a mad dash for the hospital.

 

The western was on the other side of Tokyo for Kuroo which involved two trains. The thing about public transport was they didn’t understand that he was in a rush. Other people didn’t care that his best friend was injured. No one made way for him as he rushed for the train. He barged past the crowd also trying to get on. People complained as he moved past them and managed to be the last person that could potentially fit into the carriage. He sighed into the cold doors. At least he was moving in the right direction. But his heart didn’t stop beating. He was terrified. Was he hit like his uncle - who never survived in the end.

 

His thoughts were flooded with Bokuto being hit by a car, his body shattered - just like his uncle. He thought of the pain his friend would be in. He thought about how he may never get to laugh with him again. The thoughts were his fuel. He used those thoughts to sprint to the next train, again barging past everyone.

 

He made it onto the next train, a few males gathering around him. He had budged past all of them, “My mama is dying at the hospital. She has about an hour left,” he let out a fake sob, and the angry faces morphed to sympathy before they moved away from him, leaving the soon to be grieving son alone.

 

The western general was coming up, he got to his feet and made his way to the door. He was sprinting past everyone, ignoring the gazes he received from them. 

 

When he reached the hospital, he had to walk. It pained him to walk. For his feet to travel at such a slow pace when his friend could be dying, his pace could be the reason why he never got to see his friend again. Because he was forced to walk.

 

He was in the lift with others. He pushed the 8th button and could see the faces of the people shift to sadness as he did so. No one wanted to see anyone in the critical ward. It just hurt too much to deal with. It was never ideal. 

 

The doors of the lift opened and he stepped out, the hospital had that strong stench of disinfectant and everything was blindly white. He walked down the hall until he rounded the corner and found Akaashi sitting at a bench opposite a door. He ran over to the male. The male lifted his head to see Kuroo running towards him.

 

He got to his feet and walked towards him, his arms wrapping around his body and held him close as he finally broke down. He was still in his uniform, still had blood on his cheek, still had it on his hands, on his shirt. Kuroo couldn’t speak, he was panting hard. Akaashi was all bloody. This blood was Akaashi. His mind immediately rushed to his uncle's funeral, how he held the coffin on his shoulder with his cousins. The box was somewhat heavy on his shoulders. Bokuto’s would weigh him down even more. Not that he was heavier, but the burden, his legs would refuse to move, tears would not stop streaming down his face.

  
  


Kuroo looked to the second year before him, his mouth dry, “What happened?” he croaked out.

 

“He tried to...kill himself. I found him...he was....bath tub...filled with his blood. Arms sliced to ribbons,” Kuroo shook his head and fell to the floor in a gasp. Akaashi held him just as tight, crying into his shoulder. If he died, he couldn’t blame a driver or anyone. He would blame the very male’s coffin he carried, but that would hurt too much to do so.

 

Akaashi told Kuroo how he had gone to the house because he had been sad and had hoped to cheer him up with some sex, instead he found himself unconscious in the bath. Kuroo felt his heart tear. 

* * *

His mouth was dry, very dry. He sat up, but his arm ached as he did so. His eyes fluttered open to see two things, his arm was bandaged up and next to his arm was Kuroo, his head nuzzled into his hand as he slept. He stretched his finger out and tried to touch his soft skin. His cheek was red like he had been crying.

 

He felt a shooting pain go up his arm and he let out a hiss. He watched as Kuroo opened his eyes, his eyes puffy - he had been crying, most definitely. He looked into his eyes and his face fell, “What happened?” his voice was hoarse as he spoke. His eyes hurt to open like they had been glued shut. His head was aching, he needed a drink of water badly.

 

Kuroo’s face fell, his bottom lip wobbling a little. He watched as tears fell down his friend's face as he stared back at him.

 

“You don’t remember?” he asked in disbelief. He shook his head softly. Kuroo nodded then pushed a button above his head to call for a nurse. His friend stared at him in disbelief, his watery eyes never leaving his gaze. 

 

A nurse walked into the room and walked over to Bokuto, she was a cute nurse, with short blonde hair and sea blue eyes. She had a tiny body. Too bad he way gay, “Hey sleeping beauty is with us,” she smiled walking over to him. Bokuto’s face went a little red as she walked over to him and checked his readings. “Honey...are you okay?” she asked him, sincerely, her blue eyes boring into his.

 

“I’m thirsty,” his voice was sore, like had had a mouth full of sand.

 

“That’s to be expected. Mentally. How are you? Or don’t. You will have to talk to a therapist though,” Bokuto furrowed his eyebrows as she spoke. A therapist? Why? Why was he here?

 

“What happened to me nurse?” he asked her. She stopped mid-stride, then turned her head to look at the patient.

 

“You were found in the bathtub after trying to cut yourself. You are lucky to be alive...or may unlucky since you failed,” his eyes grew wide as she spoke. He turned to look at Kuroo, his gaze trying to find the answers. Trying to see if he had really done such a thing. He had tried to kill himself. He looked at his bandaged arm, he had cut himself. 

 

“W-what? Why?” 

 

“Why what?” she asked confused. Kuroo was also confused as he stared at his best friend.

 

“Why did I?”

 

“You tell us sweety. You did it to yourself,” the nurse spoke, her tone a little dark.

 

“I don’t remember,” he said getting scared. He could hear a beeping noise in the room. He turned to see he was attached to a heart monitor, his heart was beating faster. The nurse walked over to him and put a neatly polished hand on his shoulder.

 

“You might have trama. You may not remember, with the amount of blood loss, your body may have gone into shock and tried to forget what happened,” she said softly. Her voice was sweet as she spoke, sympathetic. She pitied him. “You still don’t have a lot of blood in you. You lost a lot of blood, almost 60%. You are so lucky you are alive. Try not to move, you are on your 4th bag of blood,” Bokuto looked to his other arm and watched as a tube ran under his bandages. When he followed the tube back, it was connected to a thick bag of blood. There was also another bag hanging over his head, it was a clear substance, like water but looked a little thicker, that also dripped into him.

 

“Let me go get you a small cup of water,” she spoke softly before leaving the room. Bokuto nodded then turned his head to Kuroo who was sitting in his chair, looking at his bandaged arm. He sat round and moved the arm so that it could bring his friend into his body. He pulled him in close and held him, Kuroo resting his head on his shoulder as he sobbed into him.

 

“I fucking hate you. Why? Why? Why would you do this to me? To Akaashi? Why was leaving us easier than talking to us? Bokuto it’s not gay for men to talk about their feelings, not when they want to kill themselves. I would have listened,” he cried harder into his chest. He didn’t feel better as he held his friend. Nothing made him feel better. It felt like holding his corpse. That’s all he was too him right now, his own corpse that was warm. He could hear the heart monitor beep rhythmically, letting him know that he was indeed alive.

 

He pulled away from him, shaking his head, “I’m glad you’re alive. But I hate you right now. You chose the coward's way out. They said to be sympathetic. You are dealing with stuff. But you’re a coward. You chose death over us. Akaashi is traumatised. He won’t be seeing you for a while. I’ll be back in a few days,” Kuroo was about to walk away when he stopped and turned to face his friend. He stuffed his hand into his pocket.

 

“Akaashi knew you were upset. He wanted to give you space, to let you come to him, so you didn’t feel pestered,” he pulled out the condoms that Akaashi had given him, “He decided that he would have sex with you. He went over to your place so you could fuck him. To feel better, to tell him what bothered you. Or to work it out with sex. But no!” he threw the condoms at him, “Instead he found you. Dead in the bath. When I found him he was covered in blood. Your blood! He’s only sixteen! He shouldn’t have to try and save a life. He definitely shouldn’t try and save his boyfriends,” he walked out after saying everything he wanted to say to him.

 

When he got home, he went into his room and cried into his bed. He could have lost his friend. He felt like he had. His friend had chosen death over him. He wished, wished that he could have spoken to him. Their friendship didn’t include them messing about. Bokuto confined in him when he fell in love with Akaashi. Kuroo did the same when he fell for Kenma.

 

Kuroo felt his bed shift then arms going around his back, someone was in his room. Someone was hugging him. He turned his body to see Kenma holding him, stroking his head as he cried. He turned around and wrapped his arms around his body. “Where have you been?” Kenma asked softly.

 

“With Bokuto,”

 

“Bokuto makes you happy. You are not happy,” Kenma spoke gently to him, his hand drawing soothing circles on his back.

 

“Akaashi phoned me yesterday to say he was found in his bathtub, having tried to kill himself,” he cried harder and Kenma lay down beside him holding him. Trying to comfort him. Kuroo cried into his stomach, as he soothed his head. “He’s a coward. He chose death over Akaashi and over me. He could have spoken to me if he was struggling. He chose to rather die than tell anyone he was struggling,” Kuroo continued to sob. Kenma held him all night as he sobbed.

 

The next day Kuroo felt a little better after being held by Kenma all night. He made his way into morning practice with Kenma at his side. Yaku and Kai rushed over to him as he walked in. He wanted to stay in bed but Kenma forced him to school instead and promised to be by his side.

 

“Where have you been?”

 

Kuroo gestured for the two to come close and wrapped his arms around his other two best friends bodied, “Bokuto tried to kill himself, two days ago. I couldn’t make it in,” Yaku and Kai pulled him in harder.

 

“Give him my love the next time you see him,” Kuroo nodded his head. He told them how he wasn’t planning on seeing him for a few days. He had been told by the hospital that he would be kept in for about a few weeks, him being mentally unstable to be released. Kenma touched his back, to show his support and then pushed him forward as the second and first years surrounded them waiting to begin.

 

“Kai, can you?” Kai nodded as he stepped forward.

 

“We will begin with basic warm-ups. Everyone find a space and jog on spot,” Kai began. Kuroo nudged his shoulder as he moved to the side of Kai and followed his orders. His mind would shift back to Bokuto. He couldn’t stop thinking about burying his friend.

 

“I’ll be right back,” his lip wobbled as he turned away. Kenma ran after him and stayed by his side. If anyone noticed their captain crying, they never said anything and continued to jog on the spot.

* * *

Kuroo went to see Bokuto five days later. He took Kenma with him who had been his rock the entire time. Kenma had slept with Kuroo every night, his arms wrapped around him, as Kuroo held him close.

 

Kuroo led Kenma, the two holding hands for a change, to the 5th floor where Bokuto was kept. He knocked on his private door before stepping in. He found his friend lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, bored. He turned his head to see the two walk in and he smiled meekly. He saw how they held hands and smiled brighter.

 

“Hey, you came back,” Kuroo nodded and took a seat on the chair and invited Kenma to sit on his lap, which he didn’t seem to mind all that much. “You two are a cute couple. Tell me, have you done it yet?” Kenma went red as he asked such a question.

 

Kuroo nodded his head, a hand running over Kenma’s waist, last night. He had taken Kenma the night before. Bokuto grinned at them, “Akaashi still hasn’t spoken to me,” Bokuto whispered, looking to the ceiling.

 

“You didn’t speak to him. You can’t blame him. He’s giving you the cold shoulder. He’s not going to kill himself though,” Kuroo snarled at his friend who just blinked and nodded his head.

 

“I remember. I’ve had a chance to think. I’ve seen a therapist. I told him how for the past few weeks I felt alone. Like I was a zombie, how I couldn’t reach out to anyone. He listened to me. I told him how I recognised being loved but my body didn’t accept it. That day. I felt like I was in a trance. I remember going for a bath. That was my plan. But then I found my razor and I was curious by it, I had accidently cut my finger on it. In that moment, I felt loved, like that day was clear. I was laughing with my team, making out with Akaashi. It was like the day had been crystal clear when I had only seen it as fog. I told him how I did that, to keep the crystal image. Every cut, felt like the fog was lifting over me. On my last cut, I felt the world be crystal clear as I faded off into the darkness,” Kuroo listened carefully to his friend. He reached forward and touched his fingers.

 

“They did some tests on me. Turns out I am bipolar,” Bokuto breathed out. Kuroo held his finger tightly as he spoke. “So basically, I have these days when I am either really hyper or depressed. I was in a depressed state. Can I say something?” Kuroo nodded.

 

“We had to discuss my sex life a lot. It was embarrassing. Like they knew I had a boyfriend, so they asked what position I was? How many times. When I was hyper was I more up for sex, if I was down was I not up for it,” Kuroo nodded his head.

 

“And?”

 

“Well...Kenma cover your ears,” Bokuto spoke and Kenma just sat on his boyfriends lap listening regardless, “When I am hyper. I’m hornier. So there has been a few times where Akaashi and I have fucked at school. Obviously, when I am depressed, I am not interested in sex. That day though, he was kissing me. I kissed back but I wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to fuck in a supply closet,” Kuroo nodded his head then reached into his pocket and pulled out Bokuto’s phone and handed it to him.

 

“We went to your house earlier. We also have some clothes for you,” Kuroo spoke softly, kicking the duffle bag he had with him towards Bokuto. “So what can they do for you if we now know you are bipolar,” he asked, his eyes glancing at his arm that was covered in thick bandages, the bandages a little yellow from the liquid that still oozed out from the deep gashes on his arm.

 

“I will have to see a therapist for a while until they can say I am no longer a threat to myself. Also, I have these tablets they are to give me. They will level out my moods,” Bokuto looked at his phone, bringing his injured arm to hold it, holding it caused him a lot of discomfort, the slowly healing cuts being pulled open a little.

 

“I want to text Akaashi,” Bokuto admitted. Kuroo stood up, Kenma slipping off of him and leaned against his friend's bed to help him send a text to Akaashi, recognising the pain his friend was in.

 

“Can you text him for me?” Bokuto asked. Kuroo nodded his head and took his phone from his hand. He easily unlocked his phone, his phone recognising his thumbprint.

 

“Tell him ‘Thank you. I love you,” Kuroo took out his phone then saw one of the last texts. Bokuto sending a few nudes, Akaashi sent one back. Kuroo’s eyes widened in surprised, not expecting the second year to be into such a thing. He didn’t dare look up any further.

 

“Nudes, really?” Bokuto shrugged and watched as Kuroo texted his boyfriend for him.

 

_ To Akaashi: Thank you. I love you x _

 

There was no response, not that Bokuto was expecting one anytime soon. “Are you still angry with me?” Bokuto asked as he was handed his phone back.

 

“Incredibly so. You can tell me you were depressed but you  _ could _ have died. If it wasn’t for Akaashi you would have been. I just had to make sure you were okay. When Akaashi told me to go the critical room, I could imagine me carrying your coffin. I had to carry my uncles, I never want to carry yours at this age. You were depressed but we were here for you. I’d rather you tell me you felt unloved rather than me having to carry your coffin on my shoulder, ” Kenma stood up to leave with Kuroo. “Kai sends his love though. He hopes you get better soon,” Bokuto just nodded as the two slipped away, his heart twitching in guilt. He hadn’t been thinking. He didn’t think of Kuroo or of Akaashi. He didn’t think of his family. He thought of himself. He just didn’t want to feel so depressed, so lonely. He felt a sob erupt in his throat, he bit his lip trying to suppress it. He didn’t want to imagine his best friend and boyfriend carrying his coffin. Another sob escaped his throat and he pulled his arm over his eyes, as he wept for his mistake.

* * *

Kuroo didn’t understand what to do with Bokuto. He wanted to feel better and cutting made him feel better, but it was the death. He was angry because he could have lost his friend and that was what angered him. That image haunted him. He couldn’t lose his friend like that. He never expected to think such a thing but that was all that plagued his mind, the idea of his friend's death, Kuroo standing before everyone and saying he should have tried harder. He knew he was suffering. He knew he was a funny person who got sad easy and yet he let it slip until it was too late. He couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to imagine such a thing. Every time he did, his throat ached, with the sensation of a sob trying to escape.

 

He would have died and then he would never forgive himself for not helping him. He walked into the library to see Yaku staring at his textbook. There was a notification on his phone from Lev.

 

From Lev:  _ I’m not taking it back. I meant what I said. _

 

Kuroo didn’t particularly like not knowing about his friend. He didn’t want to be out of the loop. He didn’t want to get a phone call to be told Yaku had died. So he grabbed the phone and looked at the previous messages that Lev had sent.

 

From Lev: Are you okay?

 

_ To Lev: You should be focusing. _

 

From Lev _ : I can’t right now. Are you okay? _

 

_ To Lev: I don’t know. _

 

_ From Yaku: Is it because I confessed? _

 

From Yaku: _I’m not taking it back. I meant what I said._

 

Kuroo stared at the phone. He didn’t want Yaku to die, he wanted to be there for him, so he scrolled up. What was his friend hiding from him? He didn’t have to scroll up far. There was a message from yesterday.

 

To Lev: Meet me tonight?

 

From Lev: Are we going to fuck?

 

To Lev: Obviously ;P

 

Kuroo sat down. His friend had hidden the fact that he seeing Lev. He didn’t think they were dating or they were but Yaku didn’t want to be told that he was loved.

 

Kuroo glared at his friend, he thought something as important at this would have been mentioned to him and yet he was kept in the dark, “How long?” he asked. When Yaku didn’t respond he felt anger boil in him. They were best friends! Why was he hiding such important information from him? “How long,” he demanded. Why would he not answer him?

 

“About 5 months,” his cheeks turned red as he spoke, his hands fidgeting.

 

“And were you ever going to tell me?” Kuroo asked, his voice softening when he realised how harsh he had been. He hadn't told Yaku about Kenma - under Kenma’s wishes. 

 

“We don’t tend to discuss our love lives. If we did, you would have told me you and Kenma were a thing,” Yaku demanded, his arms folded. He had a point. But it was Kenma’s wishes. Maybe it was Lev’s. The two didn’t talk about their love lives. Their conversations were never really about their love lives. Kuroo was ultimately closer to Bokuto as they discussed their sex lives. Bokuto had had sex with Akaashi when they were still in second year. Bokuto told him how nervous he had been about the whole thing.

 

Kuroo looked at his friend he could see that he was hurting, so he grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into his body, holding him close. Yaku seemed to curl into his body, needing to be held, “What’s happened? What have you done?” Kuroo asked in a small voice. He didn’t need the rest of their year listening into their conversation.

 

“What we have is just physical. That’s all it was, but last night it was different. I was thinking about the first time and how it was about,” his face turned red, “Me trying to get off with his aid and him using me. But last night, we were both trying to satisfy the other. We naturally fell in line with one another. He held my hand… It was nice. It changed. We were making love and not just sex for the hell of it,” Kuroo listened to his friend as he spoke.  “Last night, he told me he loved me.” Kuroo figured as much.

 

“No, he didn’t! That bastard. I hate it when people confess to me. It’s like the worst,” Kuroo sarcastically responded and Yaku glared at him. “Do you love him then?” Yaku shrugged his shoulders.

 

“Maybe. I don’t know him.”

 

“Don’t kid me on. You do know him. You will know a lot more than you realise. Five months being intimate. You may not love him yet, but you might. You might look up, into these green eyes of him and your heart will just beat for him and you will realise that you do love them,” that was what it was like when he fell in love with Kenma. He just looked at him and he felt his heart twitch, thinking of only him.

 

The bell rang and the two headed to the gym to practice, Kai came rushing over to them with a grin as they made their way inside. “How’s Bokuto?” Kai asked as they entered the changing rooms. Kuroo had his eyes on Yaku as he unbuckled his trousers and slipped them off. There were no hand marks there. So Lev was kind when they had sex. If it was just purely sex, then Lev may have held him tighter.

 

“Ah, he’s on the mend. Kenma and I went to visit him yesterday. His mental state isn’t great, but I’m not planning on discussing that with you,” Kuroo admitted, his face turning into a sad smile as he discussed his friend. He didn’t want to tell them about him being bi-polar or how he felt like he was looking through cloudy eyes and cutting was the only way he felt himself, his cloudy vision dwindling.

 

“Send him my love did you?” Kai asked with a small chuckle as he unbuttoned his shirt and folded it onto the chair that was before them. Kuroo chuckled lightly, he had. He had told Bokuto that much.

 

“With extra kisses,” Kuroo’s laugh faltered as he thought of Bokuto. Bokuto was one of his best friends, a friend who is mentally unstable, who was found in the bathtub filled with red. He had nightmares about his friend, wondering what would have happened if Akaashi hadn’t found him. He shuddered at the thought again. What would it have been like to bury his friend? To tell the world at his funeral that he let his best friend die. The thoughts kept plaguing his mind. 

 

“Can he play volleyball?” Yaku asked, standing only in his boxers. Kuroo looked at his two friends with a shrug

 

“Can we drop Bokuto for now? It’s been a week but I’m still shaking,” Kuroo admitted. The two nodded their heads glumly. The door opened for the changing room, Kenma, Lev, Yamamoto, and Inokua walking in as a four. The subject was dropped immediately. Kuroo looked to Yaku who had gone silent. He wasn’t going to focus on Bokuto and instead focus on Yaku who was having issues with the first year. Maybe that would help him relieve his mind of Bokuto for a little.

* * *

After several therapy sessions, some rehabilitation of the mind, Bokuto was allowed out and Kuroo was by his side, helping him leave the hospital, they had declared him stable to leave and so the two headed out of the building. Kenma was at home, leaving the two in peace, knowing that Kuroo really wanted to be there for his friend.

 

“Thank you for being here,” Bokuto admitted, squeezing his hand as they walked out.

 

“I’m mad at you, but I’m still your friend,” Kuroo admitted, holding the duffle bag, in his other hand that was used for his dirty clothes. “Has Akaashi spoken to you yet?” Kuroo asked as they made their way towards the train station.

 

“Yeah. He texted me. He was pissed at me and how scared he had been. He told me how he had come for sex and how he found me in the bath. How he had phoned the ambulance and did everything in his power to keep me alive,” Kuroo stopped and turned to his friend who had tears in his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he cried harder on the street. Kuroo rolled his eyes before pulling him in for a long hug. “I wasn’t trying to. I wasn’t. It felt better to do that. I would have told one of you about it. What I had done, when I had come to my senses. I would have,” Kuroo held him close, pulling him in for a tight hold. He held his shaking friend until he calmed down, feeling his body relax a little as he held him.

 

“Please do. Now...shall we go fix your relationship with Akaashi?” Bokuto nodded and the two headed to his house.

 

Akaashi lived with his parents in a small flat. They weren’t rich - not at all but they got by. The two males walked into the apartment, having done so every other time. Akaashi’s mother walked into the to see Bokuto standing there.

 

“Hey sweetie,” she said softly. Bokuto and Kuroo could tell that she pitied him. Her eyes looked sad as she looked his body over. 

 

“Is he here?” she nodded her head. 

 

“In his room?” 

 

“Can we see him?” she nodded her head once again. The two made their way into the small room that was Akaashi’s. Bokuto knocked on the door before entering. Akaashi was at his table doing homework. He turned his head when he heard the knock and saw his boyfriend standing at the door with Kuroo behind him.

 

“Thank you,” was all Bokuto could say. Akaashi stood up and moved over to him and hid his face in his chest. 

 

“I’ll tell you everything. I’ll tell you what happened. I’m so sorry that you found me like that. I had no intention of dying that day,” Bokuto kissed his cheek softly then turned to face Kuroo. Kuroo sat them down and explained everything on Bokuto’s behalf, about being bi-polar, about how he had seen that day, how cutting had somehow made him see clearly. He told him about the therapist he was seeing.

 

Akaashi nodded his head, listening to Kuroo as he explained everything, Akaashi held his boyfriend's hand. He didn’t plan on things going back to the way they had been. He was traumatised with what had happened and seeing Bokuto know, his bedroom resurfaced those thoughts and that day. He leaned against his shoulder, he could faintly hear his heart. Slowly those nightmares would end.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this. Yaku's side of this story is also written if you are interested in his side of the story.
> 
> In all my stories regarding Bokuto, he is bipolar. I mean he shows some signs of such behavior (in the anime) and thus I have always written him as such.
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
